Mini Post - Song, Dance, Magic

X-posted from my Tumblr

For the longest time, practicing witchcraft was a quiet thing for me, but then again for most of that time I was mentally unwell, lacking in confidence and short on determination. I pottered through, enjoying my successes and sometimes just enjoying the process for the sake of it. My heart was a dull blade.

When outside of witchcraft I began to believe that I could sing, and began to practice to make good on it, it was only a matter of time before my voice became a real tool for magic. It used to be an inconvenience, an embarrassment, unwelcome. Now I sing every day for the love of hearing it, and make it a part of nearly every bit of magic I do. The last spell I cast, in the middle of mixing I began to dance with an object, suddenly feeling that not to do so would be a waste. Completely out of character. But having danced and not felt at all ashamed, I sang again, a piece I struggle with and only sing when I’m sure no one can hear… I didn’t even have a chance to think, ‘fuck the open door to the garden, nevermind that my partner is home’. I just sang it.

How many previous preferences in my witchcraft have been bred from self-doubt? The doubt that I deserve, the doubt that I can achieve or even attempt. From my experiences with depression and anxiety, the security in doubt is comforting sometimes. I definitely welcome the onset of doubt when the certainty of a grim future compels me to harm. Doubting the certainty of failure is a recovery step from depression, and I’m no longer so anxious about the doors opening before me. Whatever lies beyond, I’ll meet it with teeth bared.

But anyway - back to practical magic matters. I need to keep singing and I definitely need to dance again, and take a positive look at how I’ve improvised a couple of songs in the last week. I don’t play an instrument (yet…) so my mind turns to the ubiquitous rattles and bells. Yeah, feck it, let’s make something like that. Got to speed up the other crafts in my life as well - vulturing, wire wrap and beads, leather decoration. (Hey, look at that precipice right there…)

2015 Begins

So, it's the fourth now. 2015 has left the womb and the cord has been cut. I mention it so I can have a quick laugh at myself for being so distressed almost immediately on midnight of New Year's Eve that I had 'nothing completed and ready for 2015'. A few days later and coming up out from a small swing of depression, I am pretty happy with the early days of this new year.

First selfie of 2015 - gotta share it.

During the Yuletide season itself, things were a bit touch and go. The scheduled cleaning did not go according to plan, meaning following the 'welcome in' Solstice dinner, the cat was worried by something unseen and I was hit on the head. I have tried to make amends and things seem to be getting better between us. As I don't really celebrate after the Solstice beyond New Year's Eve kissing, my partner spent plenty of time with their family. Alone and contemplative, I was hampered by depression and guilt over not seeing my own family enough. Again, already in 2015, I'm making a conscious effort to improve that.

As a heathen unlikely to raise children, and indeed with a non-heathen partner, I am still thankful that I've got the wherewithal to try and have a heathen home. I have seen written before that the future of heathenry today lies heavily upon families, and I won't be excluded on the basis of not being a parent. Family and kinship have always been more than blood and parentage, and as location means more than blood, it will be said that when I lived under my grandma's roof as an adult it was a heathen home, where I can be seen to praise the gods, thank my ancestors, and respect the unseen.

Who knows? Though I will have no children to follow in my footsteps, perhaps in years to come some children will look back and say - my great aunt was a heathen. The lady at the end house was a heathen. What did she do every day - for her elders - for Yuletide? It's nice to think one might be part of a great beginning.

Every day I try to put in some creative effort, towards keeping the home clean and characterful. The Telvanni banner in our living room now hangs with maps of Vvardenfell and Cyrodiil, the kitchen is now more homely and rustic (I will probably hang more cow horns on the walls there before this is all over), my craft room is at risk of becoming over populated with jars but the shrines now look like I care about them... It is daunting to leave your mark on a place where you fear you are unwelcome, and fear it cannot last. I'm just proud of myself for trying.

I'm looking at 2015 with hope, and more than a few dreams. To have half the garden I desire, to begin a new book of flowers from all over the local area, to keep working for my company and do good there, to have a happy partner and a sound welcoming home. We step out together, small steps individually towards a great future. May it stretch to many happy days.